Tatsumi's Dilema
by Ryuuko1
Summary: First Fanfcition attempt. It's finished, and it's a TatsuxTsuzu pairing. Tatsumi is haivng a hard time at work. He keeps on being distracted by emotions. Damnit. This sucks. What's a confused Shinigami to do?
1. Tatsumi is distracted, Watari pokes fun ...

It just wasn't fair. Tatsumi looked over a pile of papers at the cheerful face of Tsuzuki chatting with Watari, both seeming to be bubbling with happiness. Tatsumi looked back down at the papers, but the numbers seemed to blur before his eyes. He was startles slightly, and blinked back the tears. What was he thinking?! Tsuzuki...he was no one's but his own. He was as forbidden to him as...as...Tatsumi couldn't think of a proper analogy, so he gave up. He continued to stare blankly at the paper, paying more attention to the conversation between Tsuzuki and Watari more than anything else. Slowly, his frustration crept into his mind and he snorted inwardly. What was he doing, acting like a lovesick fool? He had work to do, damnit. He poured all his efforts into his work, trying his best to forget about that cheerful face, those amethyst eyes, that soft smile...

"Did you see Tats?" Watari said quietly to Tsuzuki. 

Tsuzuki nodded, "It was as if he went into his own world. And he's normally so SERIOUS."

"Yeah," Watari chuckled, then pulled his best Tatsumi impression, looking very stiff and proper, holding a pile of papers near his side. "What are you doing, Tsuzuki?! You've spent WAY too much on sweets recently! Don't you know you're only pushing us further into debt?!" Watari said in his best mock-Tatsumi voice. Tsuzuki was nearly rolling with laughter. Watari placed the papers back down gently, and grinned widely. 

Tsuzuki finally controlled his laughter, and smiled back. "You really shouldn't be that hard on him, though," he said.

Watari snorted, "He's the one that shouldn't be so hard on US."

Tsuzuki shrugged, then looked over his shoulder at Tatsumi who was furiously scribbling away, balancing the accounts. "Still, I think he cares a lot about us," he said turning back to Watari. Watari still wore a disbelieving look, but 003 nodded on Watari's shoulder, and said in a soft voice, "I think you're right." Tsuzuki smiled at the cute little owl and watched Watari sigh. 

"Whatever. I still think he should go a little easier on us all. We don't need a slave driver," he said and walked out of the office, back to his experiments. Tsuzuki shook his head, thinking Watari was a little too harsh on Tatsumi today. Tsuzuki smiled to himself. Tatsumi was probably complaining about all the explosions and other weird things that went on in Watari's laboratory. Then again, he was probably still a little sore about being transferred into Gu-Sho-Shin's body. But who wouldn't? Tsuzuki himself was still more than a little annoyed with the mad scientist on the grounds of being transferred to Saya's body. Just the thought of it makes Tsuzuki shudder. Tsuzuki sighs, then smiles slightly at Tatsumi working on the accounts. He was so hard working. 'Unlike me,' he thought with a sweatdrop. Still, he couldn't help but admire Tatsumi. He was so devoted. 'Ah, what am I thinking? This is the same guy who calls me a baka every other second,' he thought to himself, then slowly walked out of the office. 

Tatsumi could finally relax. He slowly backed away from the papers, knowing he had not made any errors. He inputted them into the computer, then sat back in his chair and sighed. He knew that he could never get close to Tsuzuki. They always hurt each other when they became too close. He wished that he was someone else, someone who could get close to Tsuzuki...but he knew such a thing could never happen. He's not that lucky. 


	2. Tatsumi is even more frsutrated, Hisoka ...

Tatsumi sighed in his small room, and looked at the bare ceiling. An image of Tsuzuki floated in front of his eyes, so he quickly turned and placed his face into a pillow. "I don't deserve him. He's too pure. I don't deserve him, damnit. But...there is something about him...that makes me just want to...protect him as much as I can. Never see him harmed. Never see him cry. Never see him unhappy. Fuck," he murmured to himself, with emphasis on the last word, then sat up slightly and threw the pillow against the wall. He collapsed on the bed after that and sighed a "Damnit," again before sitting up fully. He wasn't sure what he wanted anymore, and that aggravated him deeply. He was usually so cool-headed. Damnit, he was the one who managed to be in control in almost any situation. Almost any situation-except if it concerned Tsuzuki. He stood up and paced the room. What he felt didn't matter. He had to concern himself with the well being of the entire group, not just Tsuzuki. That'd be selfish and stupid. Tatsumi repeated this to himself over and over, before taking a cold shower and slipping into his night clothes and picking up his pillow on the way to his bed, and slipped between the covers, still repeating the phrases, but knowing he's just lying to himself as he falls asleep.

Hisoka looked at Tsuzuki and sighed. That moron was off in la-la land again. Probably thinking of what sweets he'll buy with his paycheck. Hisoka turned another page in his book, and sighed. No, Tsuzuki wasn't thinking about sweets. It was something else that he was thinking about fondly. Best not to ask. After all, if it was something other than sweets, he didn't know what to expect. 

"Hey, Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asked, breaking the silence. Hisoka looked up form his book, slightly startled.

"What is it?" He asked, somewhat warily.

"What do you think of Tatsumi? Watari thinks he's a slave driver and an oni. What about you?" Tsuzuki asked softly.

Hisoka blinked repeatedly confused at the question. It was completely RANDOM. "Um.. What do I think about Tatsumi?" He paused to think it over, as Tsuzuki waited in somewhat anxious silence. 

"Well, I think he's very level headed. He's also very smart. True, I GUESS he can be a little harsh. But he's only that way when anyone steps out of line. If you learned to control yourself more you wouldn't get in trouble with him. You and Watari are really the only ones who cause a lot of trouble. Like the times you destroyed the library. Watari gets in trouble due to his experiments. Such as the time when he shrunk you and himself, and when he switched everyone around. That took days to sort out," Hisoka finished and looked at Tsuzuki, who was actually looked thoughtful, which partially worried the empath. "Tsuzuki, is something wrong?" Hisoka asked. Tsuzuki snapped out of his thoughtfulness and put on a cheerful face. "No, nothing is wrong, Hisoka. I was just wondering what you thought, since most people here seem to think Tatsumi is stingy."

Hisoka was now getting really worried. Tsuzuki sticking up for Tatsumi? Has the world gone mad? Hisoka paused, then decided not to go into it further. Everything would be revealed in time, and in the meantime, he could finish his book while Tsuzuki daydreamed.


	3. Neither Tsuzuki or Tatsumi sleep well, b...

Tsuzuki bounced happily into the office, ready to see Tatsumi and greet him with a smile, hoping to get that soft look that only he receives from Tatsumi. "Good morn-" he stopped when he saw no one was in the room. "Eh?" Usually, someone (usually Tatsumi) was in the room by now. He walked in, seriously confused. "Tatsumi?" He looked all over the place, but couldn't find Tatsumi anywhere. This was really beginning to freak him out. He whimpered and sat in the chair Tatsumi would normally sit in, waiting for someone to arrive. "What time is it anyway?" He wondered aloud and looked at his watch. Whoa. It was way too early to be here...but he couldn't sleep. He just sat in the chair, waiting for someone to come. The time seemed to pass so slowly. But, right here, in Tastumi's chair, felt somehow comforting. He found himself slowly dozing, and over time, falls fast asleep.

Tatsumi walked into the office that morning very tired. He had gotten very little sleep, frequently interrupted by dreams he couldn't remember. He had managed to get all his clothes on straight though, which was an accomplishment in itself. His briefcase was slightly messy, but most of it was in order. He haggardly made his way towards his desk, to only discover Tsuzuki curled up in his chair, looking very innocent and very much asleep. He looked so childish when asleep...so blissfully ignorant of the world around him. Tatsumi couldn't bear to wake him up. He just worked around him, trying to be as quiet as possible. Tsuzuki slept for another hour before he slowly woke up, surprised to see Tatsumi working around him. He was amazed that the older man would care at all. He watched Tatsumi for a while through eyes barely open, watching him make every precaution not to bump into the chair and wake Tsuzuki. After a while, Tsuzuki made a show of waking up, and Tatsumi had that gentle smile on his face for a moment before resuming his stern look. 

"Tsuzuki, may I ask you why you are sitting, no, SLEEPING in my chair?" Tatsumi asked sternly, but Tsuzuki knew that Tatsumi really didn't mind too much. 

"I couldn't sleep last night, so I misjudged the time, and thought I would find someone here...but I didn't...so I just curled up here...and I guess I fell asleep. I hope you don't mind too badly." Tsuzuki trailed off, as he became less certain of how Tatsumi felt due to the stern look on his face. "Tsuzuki," he sighed, "next time you decide to fall asleep, please..." trails off, and sighs, "just don't do that again," Tatsumi finished weakly. Tsuzuki smiled slightly up at Tatsumi and nodded. "Okay, I'll remember that," Tsuzuki says and smiles slightly. He stands up, stretching his legs slightly, having been curled up. He smiled again at Tatsumi who gave him a gentle look. Tsuzuki could almost swear that Tatsumi tried to reach out for him to hold him back but stopped at the last moment, letting Tsuzuki get away. Tsuzuki didn't turn back, so he couldn't see that almost painful look of yearning on Tatsumi's face, quickly hidden by the stern mask that he usually wears. As Tsuzuki settled down at his desk, munching on the candy corn he has hidden in a drawer, Tatsumi sat down in his chair, it still retaining the warmth of Tsuzuki's body, and his own personal scent, making Tatsumi's chest ache. He snarled inwardly at himself for being so stupid, and looked at the paperwork in front of him. Today was going to be a very, very hard day with his chair smelling like Tsuzuki.


	4. Tatsumi is extremly distracted, Tsuzuki ...

Thankfully, no one noticed just how distracted Tatsumi was. No one paid too much attention to him in the first place, though. He was the secretary. He was also an oni at times, and a miser. Who would care too much about someone who could obviously take care of himself. No one noticed how many times he broke his pencil, nobody noticed how often he threw out paper, no body noticed how he would sometimes collapse on his desk in frustration. Tatsumi couldn't be that way. He was always in control. Whenever someone came to him to ask questions, he always wore that stern, cold mask that he hid his feelings beneath. No one would ever understand Tatsumi. Not as long as he kept the mask up. Not one of the Shinigamis saw beneath the mask, to where the tortured soul of Tatsumi lay. His past pain, his present anguish, all lay hidden beneath the cold, calculating exterior. No one would know the true Tatsumi, no one except Tsuzuki, who only rarely caught glimpses. Once the day was over, and the paper-work filed(for they were in a lull at the moment), the Shinigamis began to file out, one by one, until Tatsumi was the only one left in the office. 

"First to come, last to leave," he said quietly to himself, and was able to work better than he had with Tsuzuki nearby, finishing his work quickly and well before inputting it into the computer. He sighed, and leaned back in the chair, breathing in the faint scent of Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki waited anxiously outside the door. Tatsumi had seemed so out of it today. Everyone noticed, but acted like they didn't care. 'Frankly, I don't think Watari or Hisoka DID care,' Tsuzuki thought to himself. He sighed, and leaned on the wall. Why WAS Tatsumi acting so strangely? Especailly around him? Did he do something wrong? 'God, I hope not,' Tsuzuki thought to himself. He waited a while, and eventually Tatsumi emerged, looking pristine as always, his briefcase in perfect order. Tatsumi looked surprised to see Tsuzuki there, his facade dropping for a moment before being quickly replaced. 

"What is it, Tsuzuki?" he asked, his voice even. Tsuzuki smiled nervously up at him, then looked down.

"I-I just wanted to apologize about this morning. I'll try not to do it ever again, okay Tatsu...mi..." Tsuzuki trailed off, Tatsumi having a rare look on his face that even Tsuzuki couldn't identify. Tatsumi smiled at Tsuzuki.

"Don't worry about it. Just try not to repeat it again," Tatsumi said before turning around briskly and leaving, his posture and body language normal. Tsuzuki blinked and rubbed his eyes. He must have seen Tatsumi's face wrong. 'Sheesh, seeing things, daydreaming, what next?' Tsuzuki thought to himself, and went off to the room that he and Hisoka share.


	5. Watari becomes suspicious, and everyone ...

Tsuzuki flopped down on his bed in confusion. "Hisoka," he began, and turned his head to face his serious partner. 

"What is it?" Replied Hisoka, slightly worried at seeing Tsuzuki look so confused. 

"I'm worried about Tatsumi," Tsuzuki said softly, obviously concerned. Tsuzuki's concern for Tatsumi raised even more doubts in Hisoka's mind. What was going on between these two? Hisoka put his book down and looked at his normally happy-go-lucky partner.

"Why do you say that?" He asked evenly.

"He's just been acting so strange these past days. It's like he's hiding something, but is afraid to tell it. I think he's afraid he might be hurt. But, why would TATSUMI be afraid? He's the oldest, and toughest of us all..." Tsuzuki trailed off.

Hisoka was wondering the same thing. Tatsumi was too strong to be hurting. There had to be another reason. Was the strain of debt finally getting to him? Was dealing with the other Shinigamis making him feel like he was going to be driven crazy? Why would someone as invincible emotionally wise be HURTING? It was absurd.

"Nonsense. Tatsumi is probably just concerned over all the debt that we are facing. Nothing is really the matter. It will pass, don't worry," Hisoka said, and picked up his book again. He heard Tsuzuki sigh.

"You're right Hisoka. It's nothing for me to worry about. Besides, Tatsumi can take care of himself," he finished and rolled over on his bed, facing the window so that he looked back at himself. 'Can't he?' he thought silently, and closed his eyes, assuring himself of Tatsumi's strength.

Watari was completely baffled. Everyone in the office was acting so OOC that it was driving him crazy. Tatsumi couldn't concentrate. Tsuzuki was doing his best to help the office run smoothly. Hisoka was casting worried glances at Tsuzuki every other second while he would usually pay him no attention whatsoever. This was seriously frustrating. With all this...this...foolishness, he'd never be able to test out his latest concoction, nor cheer everyone up. This was extremely weird. "Okay, what's going on?" He asked more then a little frustrated. Everyone paused and looked up.

Tatsumi gave him the glare-o-death that told him to shut up.

Tsuzuki looked confused, and said, "What do you mean Watari?"

Hisoka remained silent, but looked at Watari nonetheless.

"Well, you guys, you're all acting so WEIRD. Hisoka is looking constantly worried about Tsuzuki, Tsuzuki is actually concentrating on work, and even WEIRDER," Watari pauses to take in a breath, "is that Tatsumi is failing to concentrate for 3 DAYS now. What in the hells is going on here?!" Watari said frustrated. A pregnant silence filled the room with the 3 other Shinigamis looking at him as if he was an idiot. Then a chorus of, "Shut up, Watari," echoed in the room as the other Shinigamis went back to their work, leaving Watari standing with a large sweatdrop.


	6. Tatsu, Tsuzu, and coffee

It was break time, and no one could be happier than Tsuzuki. This meant raiding the fridge and no one there to bother him. He cheerfully trotted down the hallway to the kitchen and turned inside...only to find Tatsumi there. Tatsumi really was out of it. His eyes seemed glazed, as if he was looking very far away, and his chin was resting on the back of his hands. He had a cup of coffee in front of him, but it had long gone cold. By God, what the hell was going on? Tatsumi NEVER looked this weird. 'It was like, like, catching him naked,' thought Tsuzuki as he looked at Tatsumi again. Tsuzuki, deeply worried, went over to where Tatsumi was sitting, and kneeled before shaking Tatsumi slightly. "Tatsumi?" He asked, and Tatsumi snapped out of it and turned his head. The two men's lips brushed against each other's lightly, and both jumped back slightly in surprise, sending Tatsumi nearly falling of the chair, but he quickly regained his composure, but he couldn't hide the slight blush that tinged his cheeks. 

"What is it, Tsuzuki?" Tatsumi asked, and couldn't help but notice that Tsuzuki had two fingers pressed to his lips and was blushing furiously.

"Uh...um...it's break...and I...uh...just wanted to come in here to...get a snack...and... When I came in... You were completely...er...out of it...so I uh...yeah. I came in here to get a snack," Tsuzuki finished firmly, then walked over to the cupboard where he stashed his snacks. Behind him he could hear Tatsumi move, and closed his eyes. 'God, why the hell did that feel good? Why the hell did that feel right? This is the guy who constantly insults me; the guy who constantly picks on me...the guy who sometimes is so kind to me. The guy who will only share his soft look with me. Even though he can be a brute sometimes...I think that he understands me the most out of everyone...because our hearts are both full of pain,' Tsuzuki thought to himself, slowly shutting the cupboard. He turned and looked slightly at Tatsumi, who was lost in thoughts of his own. Tsuzuki, for once, let him think.

'My God, My God, My God, how in the world did this happen? What was the chance that such a thing as this could ever occur? Is this what I wanted? Have I been wanting of Tsuzuki's affections? But...this was just a coincidence. Tsuzuki might not hold any affection for me at all. What if I build my hopes up on this, and suddenly find that Tsuzuki is completely out of my reach? It would hurt me, so much, if that happened. Maybe it is best, if I show no affection at all...but how is that possible, him being so close? Damnit...damnit all to hell...'

Tsuzuki watched Tatsumi stand, his head hung slightly, but his face, what he could see of it, impassive. "After break, I expect you back to work. Is that understood, Tsuzuki Asato?" Tsuzuki watched Tatsumi leave, his hand reaching out for him, somehow knowing that Tatsumi was hurting, and there was a way he, Tsuzuki Asato could help...but he didn't have a clue how.


	7. And Confusion abounds

Tatsumi sat busily working at his station, and Tsuzuki was off in la-la land as usual. Hisoka was ignoring everyone, doing his work. Watari was completely confused. What the hell had happened? Between break and now, everything had gone back to normal. He puzzled over this for a while, and 003 said in his ear, "Weird." Watari could only agree. He looked around the office for a moment, shrugged, and then went back to his laboratory, where he once again started on his potion that would revolutionize the world.

Tatsumi had secured his mask in place again. How could he ever love anyone, he who hurt those he loved the most? He sighed, and once everyone had left, he packed his papers into his briefcase, and then turned off the lights, then closed the door behind him. When he turned around, he nearly crashed into Hisoka, who was waiting for him outside the door. People were starting to do this all too often to him. He still managed to keep the mask on. "Kurosaki-kun, what brings you here?" He asked, his voice even.

Hisoka looked him in the eye and said, "It's concerning Tsuzuki."

Tatsumi manage to keep an even look with Hisoka, "What is the matter? Is there something wrong with him?" He asked.

"He is worried about you. He keeps on saying that you seem like you're hurting inside. He keeps on saying that there's something he could do about it, but he doesn't know what. He's been rambling like that ever since we got home. Did you do something to him?" Hisoka asked somewhat vehemently. 

Tatsumi retained his cool, though only barely. "I did nothing to Tsuzuki. Anyway, why would he think I was hurting? I am quite capable of handling myself," he said, if not somewhat harshly and then began walking towards his room. Hisoka followed him with his eyes, then sighed. Obviously, he could take care of himself, and his suspicions about him and Tsuzuki were false.


	8. How Doors actually lead to Happiness

Tatsumi sat in his bed, dripping wet from his shower, and only clothed in a towel wrapped around his waist. He stared at the ceiling, recalling his conversation with Kurosaki. He obviously suspected something was up. Tatsumi sighed to himself and sat up, resting his forehead in the palm of one hand. Was it that obvious? Was it his fault...or was it Tsuzuki's? No, it wasn't Tsuzuki's. He was merely an observer. It was he, Tatsumi Seiichiro, who was at fault. He was the one who was feeling-whatever he was feeling-so keenly. He sighed and laid back down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. Everything was feeling so upside down nowadays. He couldn't think, he couldn't act, and he couldn't speak correctly when he was around Tsuzuki. What WAS his problem, damnit?! He sighed heavily and stood up again, pacing around the room until he decided he aught to get changed into pajamas and did so. He continued pacing, lost deep in his thoughts, and didn't hear the knock on his door.

Tsuzuki stood impatiently at Tatsumi's door. He had knocked a billion times it seemed. He tapped his foot, for he could hear Tatsumi walking around in there. He always did pace loudly when he had something on his mind. Tsuzuki waited another minute before knocking again. After no response, he finally became annoyed enough to open the door and land right on Tatsumi as he was facing the door in his cycle. Tsuzuki tried to stop himself as he saw this, but his momentum and Tatsumi's was enough to drive the two men together. Their lips touched firmly against each other, both of the men blushing furiously. The door closes with a slam behind Tsuzuki, but neither of the men moved, too stunned to do anything but stand there. Once the world finally stops spinning, the two men realize what just happened and back away from each other very quickly, Tsuzuki pressing against the door and Tatsumi moving all the way to his bed, falling down on it. Both were staring at each other in a mixture of surprise, apprehension, and a multitude of other emotions. Tsuzuki was the first one to gain his voice back to be able to speak.

"Tatsumi...I-I wanted to ask you some things about how you had been acting. You always seemed to be so distant, so far away. You fumbled for words around me, you seemed so completely unsure of what to do. It was like you weren't yourself. Could you perhaps...explain these things to me...?" He asked quietly, daring to look up once at Tatsumi's face when he had finished talking. Tatsumi seemed to be torn, like he was searching his very soul for the answer to these things. "I..." Tatsumi trailed off, and looked at the floor, then the ceiling, then stood up violently. He walked over to Tsuzuki with an almost feline grace that Tsuzuki always envied about him, and found Tatsumi close to him very quickly. Tsuzuki looked up into Tatsumi's blue eyes and found himself somehow falling into their depths. 

"Tatsumi...wha..?" Tsuzuki began, but was cut off when Tatsumi's lips pressed softly against his and Tatsumi's hands pulled his body closer to Tatsumi's own. Tsuzuki's eyes closed, him somehow comforted by the older man's touch, and the sense that something had finally come to completion. When Tatsumi finally pulled away, Tsuzuki opened his eyes and smiled at Tatsumi. "So that," he said softly while reaching out with a hand to touch Tatsumi's face, "is why you where acting so strange."

"I didn't want to hurt you. . .but I've always needed your affection, always wanted to see you happy. I think I'm glad...that I can be your happiness."


End file.
